Perpetuating Victimization

I spent seven years in an abusive marriage. I remember the day it escalated to the point where I realized I could not stay. I had gotten an angry threatening text from him while at work and I knew I could not continue. I knew if I didn’t leave then I was going to be in literal hell that night. I left work early to try and beat him home so I could pack a few things and go to stay with family. Our garage was a two-car stacked so I knew once he came home I would be blocked in and he would not allow me to leave. I had to be gone before he got home. I remember looking at my large meat freezer and wondering if he came home before I left and got mad enough if the freezer would be my final resting place.

I decided it didn’t matter. I decided leaving was leaving whether it was walking out or being carried out in a body bag and I would rather die trying to get out than continue to live this way. I can never say for certain if that would have happened; I only know it crossed my mind. I only know that I faced my mortality in that moment even if it was only in my own mind. Leaving took everything I had in me. I remember driving unannounced to a family member’s house and my legs were shaking so badly it was hard to operate the pedals of the car. I remember being afraid that night and wanting all the doors locked. I also remember that even after I had been out for a while, I didn’t just magically snap back to being the person I was before the marriage. The little self-esteem I had prior to the marriage was gone. I didn’t think I could survive on my own. I was scared of everything and everyone. Some days even just putting on a shirt took every ounce of my energy.

For a long time I thought that having been in that marriage for those years broke me. I thought it made me a broken and damaged person. Every time I experienced a negative side-effect from it, I thought it was just a reflection of how damaged a person I was. I didn’t think I could ever have a ‘normal’ life let alone a life I loved that was filled with happiness.

The thing that I see so clearly now but didn’t see then is that the past is over. Dead and gone. To quote my coach, it is as dead as ancient Rome. Once it’s in the past, it only exists in your mind. And in my mind it defined me. I was using my past to construct a story about my present and to construct a story about the possibilities for my future. I was continuing to make myself a victim in the present by the way I was thinking about the past. I was using my past as an excuse to limit myself. I was using it as an excuse to feel bad about myself. I was using it as an excuse for why I couldn’t have an amazing life. My ex-husband was out of my life. He couldn’t do anything to me anymore. But I had picked up the slack and was doing the work of squashing me in his place. I became a victim to myself.

It was only when I stopped giving meaning to the past that I became free from it. I was initially very resistant to the idea that my past experience could have no meaning. The suggestion actually made me angry. I thought if it didn’t mean anything then I was condoning what my ex-husband did. If I was not a victim, then he was off the hook.

The truth is he was always off the hook. He was not the one suffering. I was. My status as a victim didn’t do anything to him. I was clinging so hard to something that was only hurting me. Maybe it stemmed from being gaslit for so long but I felt the need to defend my victimization all the time. I felt that I needed that in order to justify leaving. I wanted my feelings to be valid and the community around victimization offered me that validation. What I had to come to terms with is that my feelings were always valid. I didn’t need other people to tell me that they were. I didn’t need other people to tell me I did the right thing leaving. And making an identity around victimization was only holding me back.

It took time, but I finally got to the place where I could both not condone what he did AND not have it mean anything about me. It just was. Maybe it means something about him. But it doesn’t mean anything about me. In fact, I decided it didn’t mean anything at all. It is as neutral to me as the weather. There was a time when I couldn’t talk about it without crying. But I was just able to write about it without any reaction at all. It no longer defines me. It no longer defines my life. It doesn’t define anything.

This does not mean forgiveness. I do not forgive him. I don’t think any of his behavior was acceptable in the least bit. But I have let it go. It doesn’t hurt me anymore. I have taken my power back.

This is the part where I feel like people will say that is all fine, but what about people who have PTSD as a result of the things that happen to them? Yes, that does happen to some people. We cannot always control the circumstances of our lives. We cannot control other people’s actions. But we can ALWAYS control what we make it mean. You can have PTSD and it doesn’t have to mean anything about you. You can have PTSD or any other symptom of the past without it meaning something bad about you. It can just be. You can still reclaim your power regardless of your circumstances. The story you tell yourself about your circumstances will be what determines whether you are a prisoner of the past or not. Control over the narrative is something that is available to everyone.

Once I let go of my fixation on the past, I started to be able to dream about the future. I was able to make goals and start to create the kind of life I want to live. My life is so much more future focused than past focused. My future has gotten so much bigger now that I have stopped focusing on the past.

As I drop my past stories and move into creating the life I want, my confidence has increased. I realized a few months ago that I was no longer afraid like how I used to be. I was so scared before of ending up in a bad relationship again. I was hyper-vigilant towards everyone around me for any sign of danger. I no longer fear it because I have taken responsibility for my life. If something or someone doesn’t jive with the life I want, I know I can just remove them from my life. I trust myself to do so now. I don’t need to be hyper-vigilant and afraid. I am creating the life I want and if something doesn’t fit then it doesn’t fit. It is as simple as that.

I felt the need to write about this because the one question my past self was obsessed with was ‘Does it ever get better?’ I can say for certain that yes it does and it does so after you take responsibility for yourself and your life. I recognize that some of the things I have said might upset people. It upset me at first. But ultimately I think it would be horribly unkind of me to cater to the victimization mindset. This mindset and tiptoeing around it only perpetuates the victimization. Being a victim once does not mean you have to continue being one. I believe empowerment comes from taking responsibility for yourself and your life. You cannot always control what happens, but you can always control what it means to you and what you will do next.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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