Have you found yourself asking for what seems like the hundredth time; when am I going to get over this toxic relationship?
Emotionally abusive relationships are very hard to get over and often take more time than other, healthier relationships. This is because you are not just trying to get over someone, but because you are actually dealing with unhealed trauma and pain from your childhood. This type of trauma is usually what has attracted you to this relationship in the first place.
Many people think of love addiction as addiction to sex, or to a person. At its core, it is more accurately an addiction to anxiety and peptides that are produced when you are back in a relationship dynamic that does not feel safe. Physiologically, you are addicted to feeling the same feelings you felt in your childhood, because that is what feels familiar. This attachment has been labelled the trauma bond; when you bond or form an attachment to someone despite their repeated abuse. The brain wants to recreate the scenarios experienced as a child so that it can ‘fix’ it once and for all, and have a happy ending this time.
If you are trying to get over a toxic or abusive relationship that has ended, you may be feeling frustrated and overwhelmed by how long it seems to be taking you to get over it. Perhaps you feel like you’ll never be able to stop ruminating and obsessing about your ex partner. Maybe you are searching the internet looking for answers and finding annoying advice such as ‘It could take months to get over an ex’. And yet, for you it’s been years. If that is the case, then I would like to paint a picture that could help you. Imagine that your ex is a needle full of heroin and you are a heroin addict craving another hit. When you are getting over an abusive relationship you need to treat yourself as if you are a recovering addict.
Although this may seem like a confronting image, it can be helpful to make it through those ‘cravings’ and longing for a person who has abused you. You need to understand that time is not going to heal all wounds in this case. You need to actively work on your trauma on the inside to truly get over it, and to not end up ‘using’ again. Either by returning to the same abusive relationship, or starting another relationship with someone who has abusive tendencies.
When you are finally on your own, it’s time to start asking questions about your childhood that were too painful to acknowledge until now. What happened when you were growing up? Did you witness substance abuse? Physical abuse? Were you neglected by your parents? What experiences have made you feel as though you are not worthy of being cared for and respected? It is unlikely that you have a high sense of self-worth if you were attracted to someone who has emotionally or physically abused you. While you were with this person, you may have felt a sense of being home, because home used to feel like fear, anxiety and rejection. Now that they are not here, you are craving their presence to take away the painful feelings. Going back is not the answer. Sitting still with yourself and beginning to do the work to heal is the answer.
Therein lies the challenge. Sitting still with yourself allows the opportunity to explore some very painful themes and experiences that you may have been trying to avoid. The relationship has been the distractor that you have used to ensure you don’t tap into these painful memories. This is often what many sufferers of abuse find to be the biggest barrier to getting well again.
Acknowledging this pain and hurt can be excruciating at first. It requires the ability to manage emotions that can at times be overwhelming. You may find therapy helps you to manage this, or if you are unable to access therapy, then setting aside a safe space and time to journal can be a way of allowing the necessary emotions and memories to come to the surface. By talking about it or writing it down, you will begin to see patterns and discover the reasons that you haven’t felt like you were good enough over the course of your life. This can help you identify the areas that you can work on to help you get to a stronger sense of self.
The most important thing to remember is that it takes time. When you are in the thick of recovery, it can feel at times like you are not making any progress. Sometimes, when you are vacillating between feeling strong and then feeling weak, you may start to feel as though there’s no point. These are the pivotal moments when you need to hold firm and keep putting one metaphorical foot in front of the other. You have to trust in the bigger picture, that there is peace, calm and hope on the other side of healing. By getting back into a relationship before you’ve done the healing work, you are guaranteed more of the same pain and suffering.
Just like an addiction to drugs or alcohol, full recovery takes time. It can take years, and that is normal. Love addiction recovery is similar to an alcoholic, or drug user, who is vulnerable to relapse. You too, could potentially relapse if you don’t do the healing required to make sure you recognise what healthy love looks, feels and sounds like. This is only the first step. Many people who have had trauma in their childhood don’t enjoy the unfamiliarity of healthy love. So they subconsciously feel less attracted to people who are trying to genuinely care for them. It is not until you can get to a place of truly understanding your intrinsic value and worth, that you can allow yourself to be genuinely loved by a healthy partner.
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Although recovery and healing can feel like an insurmountable mountain, it is absolutely worth it. By taking each day at a time, and prioritising a little self-love each day, you can get well and heal your inner pain. It’s time to start loving yourself the way others should have loved you in the past. Make a commitment to yourself that you will be the one who shows up for you now. By loving and caring for yourself enough, you will eventually start to see the true joy in healthy love.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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The post Emotional Abuse Recovery — How Long Is a Piece of String? appeared first on The Good Men Project.